A Road Less Traveled...

12/27/11

I am in mourning now and maybe for always. I am contemplating the loss of something vital and so much a part of me that I scarcely remember how to breathe without it. How do I let go of love? Not just any love but one that has been life-changing and remarkable, one that can never be duplicated nor found again this side of heaven. This is the great love of my life. How do I go on with its loss felt keenly for the rest of my days? I have gravitated between mind numbing grief and irrational hope. There exists the slimmest of chances that I will not have to lose that which I hold so dear. It is that tiny, bright little light my soul now clings to. What other choice is left to me? To give up all hope would be to embrace the darkest despair. A sharpened blade taken straight to my veins would do less damage. I could no sooner cut out my own heart then turn away from this love. It is a love that lacks nothing. It is complete and beautiful, brought to fullness by deep respect and friendship. Its existence has altered the course of my life forever and I will never be the same

I stand before you, just pieces. I have seen my heart shattered like fine crystal, countless shards exploding in every direction. With dogged determination I have searched out every lost piece. I have carefully put it back together again. Only to see it shattered once more. The circumstances of my life come to break me and erase me and test my will to carry on. There are days that I wonder if I can go on. If love is worth all that I’ve given?

I picture my heart like a blown glass orb, breathtaking to behold when it was first created. Now, with it’s many seams and fissures, it’s surface is no longer smooth but holds an intricate pattern. It has a battered look about it but perhaps no less beautiful. When held up to the light all of those scars serve to refract a multitude of hues. It is a heart that knows much grief yet clings to hope. Always hope.

That has been my choice… to love. I have long desired to find a pure and true love. I have taken the chances that life has provided and until now I have found it unbearably disappointing. Love itself is not to blame, but rather my entrusting my heart to those who were not good for me. Today I can say I know what it’s like to deeply love someone who IS good for me and who is the very best human being I have ever known. I could not help but love this person. It was a risk I had to take and I have held nothing back.

I tremble in fear of losing that which I love so much. Many things are unknown, the future is just as easily blessed as it is cursed for me. This fragile, breakable heart of mine may not be put back together again should it shatter this final time. If I lose this love, I fear I lose my heart forever. How many times can shattered glass be pieced back together until the shape it takes is no longer recognizable?

I yearn to tell you how much I love you, how much I need and want you in my life but I am afraid. Afraid you do not feel the same, afraid that you will not choose me.

Psalm 139

 You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
 You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
 Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
 You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

  Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
 My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
 How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

  If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
   Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
 They speak of you with evil intent;
   your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
   and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
   I count them my enemies.
 Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting.

-NIV

It is found within the stillness of your hands

It is found within the beat of your heart

Pulled up from the depths again

Created once more in your arms

To live inside your warm embrace

Each parting, a tiny death

This loving place, only we know

A secret joy reserved for us alone

It is found within the softness of your smile

It is found within the longing for your presence

Stranded willingly upon an isle of hope

Blessed and full of the knowledge of you

To wait with a deep and restless ache

Each hour, an eternity

Let me swiftly find the sweetness of your lips

Abide always in the tenderness of your affection

It is found within the kindness of your eyes

It is found within the gentleness of your touch

I pray that you hold me close to your heart

Share with me the beauty of your soul

To hope for the sweetness of God’s favor

Each moment, an answer

We Are

Eyes that smile
A spirit that is kind
 
Beauty seen in the simplest of things
 
Hands that hold
A faith that grows
 
Peace discovered in sweet companionship

Truths that are shared
A heart that serves
 
Joy held close in tender moments

Arms that shelter
A comfort that endures
 
Faith found in the meeting of souls

Hearts that know
A hope that trusts

Promise glimpsed in the journey ahead

“If My Heart Was A House”

You’re the sky that I fell through
And I remember the view whenever I’m holding you
The sun hung from a string
Looking down on the world as it warmed over everything
Chills run down my spine as our fingers intertwine
And your sighs harmonize with mine
Unmistakably I can still feel your heart
Beat fast when you dance with me

We got older and I should have known
(Do you feel alive?)
That I’d feel colder when I walk alone
(Oh, but you’ll survive)
So I may as well ditch my dismay
(Bombs away… Bombs away…)

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth, if my heart was a compass you’d be North
Risk it all cause I’ll catch you if you fall
Wherever you go, if my heart was a house you’d be home

It makes me smile because you said it best
I would clearly feel blessed if the sun rose up from the west
Flower balm perfume, all my clothes smell like you
Cause your favorite shade is navy blue

I walk slowly when I’m on my own
(Do you feel alive?)
Yeah, but frankly I still feel alone
(Oh, but you’ll survive)
So I may as well ditch my dismay
(Bombs away… Bombs away…)

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth, if my heart was a compass you’d be North
Risk it all cause I’ll catch you if you fall
Wherever you go, if my heart was a house you’d be home

If my heart was a house, you’d be home

~Adam Young of Owl City

It’s hard for me to imagine anyone not being moved by the immensity and power of the ocean. Its vastness makes the largest of human constructions appear insignificant and feeble in comparison. I love feeling so small…so very finite because then it becomes clear how insubstantial and unimportant are my petty human concerns. I am reminded that I am just dust….a lily of the field destined to wither and die. All of my years amount to nothing on the cosmic scale. The universe will not mark my accomplishments nor mourn my passing. I am here and gone in the blink of God’s eye. I find this knowledge strangely comforting. It is evidence that I am no more important then any other creature that roams this earth.

 I watch the movement of the ocean, the endless ebb and flow of its tides. Its wild beauty calls to me. I am mesmerized by its song, the crash and roar of the surf…the sound of the water lapping against the sand where the waves expend their final passion. As I lay upon the sand, I feel the ocean is a living thing, tingling against my skin…electric, inspiring and terrifying in its indifference to my existence. It cares nothing for me, and would gladly take my life should I trust it too carelessly. Still, I hold a deep and abiding love for the sea. It is such an integral part of who I am and my longing for it is ever present. I gaze upon its surface like the face of a lover, always beautiful in my eyes. When I swim in its waters they caress me, tenderly hold me and sing a gentle lullaby. Yet, other times the ocean is an ardent suitor, dangerous in its need to possess and consume me.

 I cherish the ocean not just for its beauty and the life it lends to this world but for the lessons that I learn at its shores. There is the tiniest glimpse of the Almighty that I sense in His creation. I am made aware of how fragile I am and that my mind cannot fully conceive of His power and glory. It serves to move me to humility and reminds me that I am nothing…. yet somehow still something in His eyes. 

Love should be simple, it either IS or it IS NOT. Though romantic love may come in various forms and take many paths….it has no rules, sometimes it comes to us like the lion, sometimes like the lamb.

It may announce its presence with fire and the overwhelming ache of desire, molten and burning through all defenses without reason. This kind of love makes your knees weak, your pulse race and causes you to forget all but its own passion. A flame that burns bright, hot and oh so quickly. Its touch leaves you forever changed and always wanting. Few can resist this path of reckless abandon nor its dangerous joy. Exhilarating and powerful but perhaps destined to flicker and fade.

And sometimes love comes softly.…gently, with quiet longing and simple acts of kindness…bringing peace like summer sun shining warm and dappled through green leaves. Slow growing but true, rooted deeply in tender companionship, seeking always the higher good of the other. This love is perhaps the purest kind… it cherishes and encourages without regard to self. It is steady and strong as a heartbeat, beautiful and uncomplicated. A love that is lasting, whispering of deeper places and a journey shared.

The love that holds both the heat of such intense passion and the sweetness of tender friendship…this is the one worth fighting for, worth sacrificing for, worth walking a million miles for and worth waiting for. . This love feels like home, the place your heart belongs and somehow has always known. It may take years or just a day to recognize its presence but you will know it by the peace it brings. This love, I will call mine and I will not doubt nor question it but instead praise God. Sometimes this love comes unlooked for, unbidden and unexpected but is a wondrous and amazing miracle all the same.